Proud to be an American

Here is the deal,
it doesn't matter if you are a Democrat or Republican. You are an American and that is all that counts.
So what if the person that you wanted to win didn't win. You had the opportunity to vote and have a say in the results.
I am in a China class right now learning about their communism government. I am thankful everyday for the opportunity I have to live in a free country. I am thankful for the chance I have to have a freedom of speach and be able to write a blog post like this. I am thankful for the opportunity I have to attend a church school and worship my Father in Heaven freely.
No matter who would have won, there are always still going to be problems in this world. The lord has said that their will be great contentions and trials. Romney or Obama we will still have things to deal with. This world is a developing world and there is so much going on in many other countires. I would feel horrible if I were to sit back and be angry about the way things turned out tonight. I would feel bad because I am absolutely without a doubt proud to be an American. I get the chills down my spine when I think about how extremely blessed I am to live here. I think that God wants us to support who ever is in office. No matter what, we need to stand together as a country and support one another.
May God help Obama as he is now given another opportunity to serve this country. May he be comforted in the stress that he has to go through to help us survive. Let us pray for him as he takes another step forward in doing what God has him planned to do.
Be thankful Obama was elected. Because that shows we live in a free country. Be thankful for we don't know what the Lord has in store.
Stop complaining and being negative, becuase it states in the scriptures that we need to be supportive and pray for those in office.
I am glad I was able to be alive today in such an important election. I am thankful I live here. I am proud to be American. You should be too.

"Beauty isn't skin deep. Beauty is a smile that makes others feel warm inside. Don't strive to be "pretty" Learn that you are beautiful." -Lizzie

As I was trying to focus on homework I was loosing my mind, I decided to flip on the TV and see if there was anything good on.
I turned to the show, "The Doctors" and watched an interview with one of the most inspiring girls I have ever laid eyes on. Her name is Lizzie and she has a very rare disorder that only three people have in the whole entire world. What it is, is that she has no adipose tissue (fat) in her body. She legitimately has 0% body fat. She can not gain wait in any way. The doctors have no idea what it is, how to fix it, or really anything about it.
Here is her website:
http://www.aboutlizzie.com

She is inspiring and is using this life issue to help teach people the importance of life.

"Beauty isn't skin deep. Beauty is a smile that makes others feel warm inside. Don't strive to be "pretty" Learn that you are beautiful." -Lizzie

After watching this short episode of Lizzie and her interview with the doctors I quickly googled her and read more about her. It was really life changing.
I got the goosebumps and can't get over the fact that she is choosing to look at life with such a great perspective. She knows that she is supposed to be here, and so she is striving to do what she needs to do, teach people.

Please research her, you will be amazed.
She is beautiful. her personality shines brighter and shows how beautiful she is.

I am eternally blessed for being born with a perfect body. If anything, I am taking complete advantage of it. I live my life, not having to worry about any health problems, and what a blessing that is!
After hearing Lizzies touching story it reminded me of how greatful I am for my body, and how happy I am that people like her are chosing to change lives, instead of destroying their own. I can not wait for the day that she will be able to be resurrected into a perfect body and experience the joys that we all have on a day to day basis.

I am going to order her book online, as well as Stephanie Neilsons book
Read about her here (http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/)

People are born with problems and people have life changing events occur. They choose to teach those around them with happiness and love.
I can only strive to be more like them every day.
Happy with who I am, and what I have been blessed with.
Let us always remember how lucky we are and that God is really there for us, blessing us each step of the way.

Hellopoetry.com Search Kayla Whipple.
I want to learn how to write, and do it correctly. So I am starting up more poetry. and actually posting some of it.

alive

White traces across the wooden flooring from freshly powdered feet. Muscles stretching to their maxim capability while the body leaves the ground for just a fraction of a second. Knees bent one moment, then quickly flexed straight with the use of the several small ligaments running down the lower half of the body. Blood is being pumped double time through the bodies most vital organ, and the lungs are contracting and expanding with such timing. The right side of the brain sends signals to every inch of the body. Dancing is an art form, and it is a way to become one with the your inner soul.
The moments that my arms break through the air and my feet flex using every muscle, those are the moments I feel the most alive.
When my brain is creating emotions, my body wants to reveal them through movement. Toss away the sorrow and embrace the new found love. When my feet leave the ground and then land with such placement and thought, happiness can be expressed. With the exhale and curving of the spine, stories can be told.
My body has not experienced this feeling for months now.  It aches to be set free to express my inner sorrows, thoughts, and worries. My feet are longing to blister with the movements. My spine is weak from the time away. My movements rusty, but still there. Like a world renown pianist dusting off his grand or a child riding her bike on the first day the snow has melted off the sidewalks. I am craving the renewal of my soul and the expression of my body.

Sometimes.

Sometimes when I see what people have the capability of doing, I wonder if there is anything else besides blood and bones.

Sometimes when I like a boy. He always likes to twitter pate my friends hearts. Sometimes if my friend has no desire, the boys still come crawling, right past me. 

This is not just a one time thing. This is a reoccurring event. kind of the like the bickering that goes on at my house during the weekends.

Sometimes it gets sad. 

Sometimes when I open my heart and my love flies out like a bird leaving its cage for the first time, something goes wrong. My bird's wings maybe don't work. Maybe there was a killer just waiting to shoot down the newly free creature. Or maybe, my bird just can't handle the pressure and is crippled. Whatever it is like, and it is different in every situation, My heart is become such a raw sore. This is not because of one event. Let me be clear. 

This is the build up of heartaches after letdowns and broken wishes.

Sometimes, on chilly nights like these. When I am cuddled up sipping hot coco and eating warm chocolate chip cookies, I just wonder. Why have I let my feelings control me for so long? 

Why have I put myself through this? The only solution I can come up with is that all of these times that my feelings are torn apart by these creatures we call MEN, are just preparing me for my infinite love that I will have someday.

Sometimes I smile because I KNOW someday, I will be greatfull for the broken winged heart because I will have never had the chance to meet this future peice of my puzzle.

I woke up and I knew, it was going to be a scarf and tights kind of day.

Balloons

Sitting here supposed to be studying in the MC. But that is merely impossible because of what has just happened. I am such a hopeless romantic, I can hardly think straight. I just participated and witnessed a part of two people's history.
It started just shortly 10 minutes ago. Two boys walked in holding a bundle of balloons each. attached to the strings were note cards with the scribble handwriting of a boy. They started handing them out to the students all over. As I got a balloon I received instructions with what to do with it. I was not to read what was on the card because it was very personal, but hand it to the girl had a whole bunch of balloons who was soon to be walking through the student center. I was not to say anything but just smile and hand over the air filled colorful plastic. I soon found out that it was for a proposal. Goosebumps covered my body and the thought of someone having such a great experience that I was going to witness. I looked around and the whole area, the ceilings are tall and the balloons floated left and right. The rainbow spectrum filled the eyes of many. It was like a movie scene. I then saw the boy who was soon to propose run past shouting, she is coming in any second! The clock ticked and withing a minute there was a girl holding a handful of balloons, smiling ear to ear. Students gathered to hand her their contribution. She walked through the room and headed down the stairs. She was out of sight. The next thing I new, choosing the window seat was the best decision I had made all day. I looked to my left, and out my window I saw the boy who was just frantically running a few minutes before, standing in the middle of our amp theater. He had a white balloon and smiled so big when she exited the door of the building. there is a small breeze and when the balloons hit the rexburg air they began to fly backwards with the most perfect grace. As if God was blowing down, moving the balloons in perfect harmony. Suddenly, I felt people surrounding me. It was as if the whole student population was trying to look out of my window that I look out everyday when I come and study. All of the girls were gasping with excitement and I even heard a few "eeks" escape the throats of some guys. It was honestly a tender moment. The air was filled with excitement and no one had any worries in the world. We were all tuned in to see what was going to happen next.
The girl made it down the stairs and around the flower beds, straight to him. He handed her his white balloon, talked for a moment and then knelt down on one knee. Without hesitation you could see the excitement in her body and the tears start to form. She replied and they were quickly in each others arms. The balloons floated above their heads and it was a picture perfect moment. I looked around and noticed people still shoulder to shoulder taking in the moment. They were cheering and pounding on the windows. Many ran down to congratulate the couple. My eyes began to fill with joy. Tears began to form and the hair on my arms stood straight up. I had just witnessed something that was so life changing. I was so happy for them, I couldn't even believe that I just witnessed a proposal.Even though I have no idea who either of them are, or even what their names are, I felt some sort of connection.
As the excitment calmed down I peered out the window again and saw the two still standing in the middle of the amp theater. No one else around. Just embracing their love.
After a few minutes classes got out and people were walking all around of them. Little did any of them know what had just happened. They missed something just withing minutes. Hand in hand the two lovebirds walked back up the stairs. I glanced over one last time and I saw a shine of a ring. A new found hope, a everlasting love, and history that had just been made.

Just a few of the balloons

 Just a day full of Hot Coco and a proposal

 The boy is behind the tree and the light. Camera couldn't get him. 

beau·ti·ful : adjective.

I am NOT a size ZERO

My skin is spotted like a dalmatian

angel kisses and acne

My teeth are not {pearl white}

Chubby feet and lots to love legs. 

Muscle is not defined

unmatched clothes cover my body

just a hint of mascara is found on my face. 

rarely

My hair is not long and beautiful. 

Choppy & Short

fingernails have chipped polish

I am the go to girl. 

Not the: {go to because she is so drop dead gorgeous girl}

But the go to girl "because she knows everyone" 

"She can hook me up with him/her" girl.

I will never be a size zero. 

My hair may not cover my back and sway while I walk

 My teeth are that awkward shade of in between almost looking perfectly white

 I don't wear expensive clothes. Let alone match what I do wear.

My skin is far from being as smooth as a "babies bum" 

My eyes have wrinkles around them already. 

SO...

That does not mean in any way, shape, or form that I do not have a soul. 

I have feelings. 

My heart can only handle so much. 

To the boy who laughed at me in the gym:

I am sorry that I do not have a perfect body that is "eye candy"

To the boy{s} who stole my heart, and then hit on my great friend:

I'm sorry I don't use large words and have an opinion on everything. 

I'm sorry I don't write poetry or have the ability to pull off wearing 

red lipstick and scarves. 

To the boy I hardly know in church:

I will NOT give you my roommates number 

after you flirt with me to get it. 

To all of the boys who look past me while I am walking next to ANY girl:

I'm sorry, I guess I really am not worth "your time"

&

To the boy, who will hold my hand and heart for the rest of, well {forever}:

Can you hurry up? 

 I am ready for someone to like that I don't plaster myself in powder 

and stiffen my hair with hairspray everyday. 

I am ready for you to love me for my thousands of small freckles covering my body. 

I hope you can love me, unconditionally... 

even though I am curvy.

I know you are out there somewhere.

 And if I knew you now I would send you to beat up 

all of those boys hurting my feelings. 

Or just hearing how much you care for me, 

that would help too. 

I'll be waiting. 

xoxo

These cherished little girls have taught me patience, love, kindness, and more about life than I have ever imagine.

My legs were crammed to the steering wheel as the car was in park while the hot air blasted in our faces and the kids' eyes glared over from the movie that was playing on the small television hanging down. Cavet walked out and the "I knew it" smirk painted his whole face. Next thing that entered my ears was that he got the job. That second, that moment, when the air swooshed the words into my ears, my heart tingled. My body froze, and my face smiled. This is what we have all been waiting for. A promising future, a job that can lead them the right direction.
Cavet's mouth opened, and words did come out. But all I could focus on was the shock that my brain was feeling. This job is the answer to many prayers. This job is the answer to many questions and there was no way that it can be passed up.
My smile slowly melted off of my face like a snowman on the first warm day of spring. My chest hurt,I was in shock.
I pushed off the idea of them moving for as long as I can remember. The thought was trying to settle in my mind like a kid determined on getting the candy bar in the store. But my heart like the parent, not allowing it, as hard as it was trying to be achieved.
I unexpectedly tasted the salty sting of tears. My red cheeks were moistened by the drops of water escaping my eyes. I glanced over to Cavet, who was driving, made eye contact, and his eyes full of friendship towards me made my throat burn. I turned my body to the back of the van and my eyes peered to Angie's and once again the water produced at the ducts of my eyes. I blinked and one by one the signs of sadness slid down my face. Like a pine wood derby race. One after another.
Then I had the most heartbreaking moment I have ever experienced. Reese made an adorable squeaking noise and I turned and laid my eyes on the three most beautiful little girls god has place on this earth right now. Words, feelings, laughter, sadness, and every once of love filled my mind.
To many, these little girls are just sweet little blessings that melt your heart when the silence of sacrament meeting is broken with their laughter. To some, they are just little girls going through the grocery store line who will make friends with you, no matter what you do or do not look like. But to me, these girls are human beings that I love more than I have ever loved anything else in my whole entire existence, so far in this life. I love many, and don't get my wrong almost any kid that I have had a close relationship will hold a special place in my heart. But these girls have made me who I am today. These cherished little girls have taught me patience, love, kindness, and more about life than I have ever imagine.
The move isn't going to be that devastating. For heavens sake they will only be a few more hours away. It is the fact that I won't be able to see them spur of the moment. I have just barely come to the acceptance of living a whole hour away. If I had it my way, I would live in the same house as them. If I had life the way I wanted it, I would just pick my things up and start this new journey with them.
I have been told I have an extra sensitive heart, and this may be true. The thought of them growing up without me to witness by their side, honestly damages my most vital organ in my body. I will skype with them, I will visit them, and they will forever be a part of me.
But the first time Reese crawls. The time when Peyton is completely potty trained, and when McCarty learns to tie her shoes. I won't be there! Thank goodness for technology that I will be able to see their faces as often as I want. But I am already longing to have them snuggle into me and feel their love for me that no one has ever felt for me before. So innocent, so strong, and so trusting.
This will be one of the best things for that sweet family. So much strength and growing will come to happen. I am not worried at all about never seeing them or losing contact. But day by day, month by month, the girls' bond with me will slowly start to slip away. Reese will hardly get to know me like the other two have. That is so difficult for my mind to accept. I have known her, her whole entire existence! I was there just minutes after she came into the world. I have this connection and love for her that is stronger than I had ever imagined. But she is a small child. That connection is made, but will easily be forgotten and within the blink of an eye she will be older and not have Kayla in her life like McCarty and Peyton did.
These girls have taught me my most important lesson in life. They will always hold a part of my heart and even though they are moving just a few short hours away, My eyes become damp at the thought of them leaving.
I will forever thank God for letting me meet Angie the evening I did at cooking club. I will forever be thankful for the opportunity I had to spend many, many hours with them and the many more that will come, also for the opportunity to get to know them on such a personal level. There will no be goodbye, but simply, see you later!

New Job

The first day of work, extreme success. I got the hang of everything quickly and I even impressed myself! It feels so great to know that I have money coming in and that I will be able to support myself even more! At this job I get see and help people all day long! Just like my last job. It is exactly what I need!
my mind can not even comprehend how blessed I am. And I am SO grateful for all of the blessings I have received. Being able to come back to school, housing available, financial aid, new friends, and now a job. I can't even explain how happy I am. It is amazing.

Oh how I am blessed, let me never forget.

There are people all around and he bows his head in prayer. What an example. I am sitting her in the student center, once again for hours on end. I looked up from my computer screen, only to see a guy bowing his head, praying to our Father in Heaven. There are people everywhere. Almost every table is full. Much like the average scene on a weekday. What an awesome campus to be on. Not one person looked at this boy weird or in disgust. He was able to doing what he knows is right, without any shame. Someday I wish to be that strong of a person. Today I couldn't get out of bed early enough to attend the temple. I was too tired and too lazy. I want to strive to be that person that can bow my head in public without being embarrassed, to thank the Lord for my many blessings. That person that can arise early to show the Lord I am willing to sacrifice my sleep for him, because he sent his son who was sacrificed for me and my sins from the past and future. I am so blessed to be attending this university. Each class is opened with a prayer. Some even have songs and thoughts to really invite the spirit to assist us in our learning. Maybe some people think its weird, some people don't believe in all of the rules. But this is an opportunity that I so lucky to have. My life will never be the same now that I have attended school here. My expectations for myself are much higher. My understanding of the gospel has grown so much. My love for my Father in Heaven is stronger than it has ever been before. I have the chance to feed my mind, and soul. I get to build a stronger foundation at such a crucial time in my life. How lucky am I? Luckier than many! I have been learning about children in developing countries and how they don't have any way to attend school. And here I am, attending college, on a campus that the students all have the same values as me. I learn new things daily. I see examples regularly. I am growing, learning, and trying my hardest to "Come Unto Christ". Oh am I blessed. Let me never forget.

Mumford and Sons new Album.
Ear Candy.
Prime.
In love. 

The rock, carving the waves that climb up and down the shore.

I walk into the student center, the sun is still high above the clouds leaving me several hours until dark. I search the faces of new college students beginning their journey here on campus, mixed in with the returnees who are getting the hang of this lifestyle. I set sight on my friend and start to make my way to her. The tables are filled with laughter and conversation. Stomachs are being fed with the cafeteria food, or simply a PB&J from home. Some brains are working as hard as they can. Reading and in taking as much as the mouths of the starving students. I take a seat next to Ashlynn. The left side of my body is next to the window. The sun heating my body. My feet dangle in my worn grey shoes as I get adjusted on the tall seats. In just one movement of my head I can see those walking up and down campus, interacting with the opposite sex like its a race to who can be engaged the quickest. After an hour or so of focusing on my computer I look around and see that the atmosphere is changing. More people are surrounding me. Books and computers out. Girls sitting in groups, chatting about their roommates. Guys slouched over laughing at you-tube videos. The table with the love birds. Eight people total, but so close to their lover it is if they are one. The random professors sit and eat their last minute meal before their late afternoon lectures begin. There is a boy talking on the phone loud enough for all to hear. A couple kissing so romantically it is as if you were in the movie theater watching the screen as two people kiss for the first, or last time. Passionately, nothing else around matters. After moments of watching those around me I place my earphones back into my ears and press play on my classical music. I pull out my next subject and begin to study again. The transition begins again. The sun is now making its way down and the sky is becoming dark. The campus lights are just minutes away from turning on and lighting up the sidewalks. The larger room filled with several kinds of tables and chairs beings to empty out, quickly. Like people leaving a bad party, or children escaping after something gets broken. It seems as though within minutes there are more empty chairs than full. The air is chilly and my hands are cold to the touch. There is a random group of guys walking around with a guitar singing at the top of their lungs. They startle many because of the silence that was begin to fall upon us, like leaves in the weeks of September. One moment it is loud and the trees are full. The next thing you know, one by one the leaves are scattered across the earths ground and the students have left the large building in almost pure silence.
I have sat here, and hardly moved. My body glued to this seat and eyes to my schoolwork. But all around me, life has been moving fast. Tables around me full, then empty, then occupied again. hundreds of students have walked past me. Every food imaginable has been consumed within feet of me. Tears have been shed, laughter has been shared, kisses passed, and high fives delivered. Now as I sit here and observe those around me I see a girl who looks as though she has just felt a heart break. Her eyes full of sorrow and her teeth biting her lips as she tries to focus on whatever her computer screen is showing. There are two boys, both wearing white. Sitting up at a table. Talking about a class they have together. There is the kid who could easily mistaken for someone dead. Signs of late nights and hard work written all over his slumped body. People of all different races. Sitting in corners. Earphones in, rejecting those around them.
I sit here, for hours now. Life moving by me. Like waves on the shore, being carved by a large rock. It is exceptional to think that within the hours that my mouth has only spoken a number of words that a small child could say, stories of all kinds were being written. Memories were being made. Twenty years from now, when the kissing couple reminisce on their dating days, and the time they spent studying each other while those around them were studying books, I will be a part of that memory. Not once did we make eye contact and no words were exchanged. But I was there to help fill the room of eager kids, making their way to becoming a successful adult. 50 years from now I could be a witness of the roommates who were laughing together. I witnessed the friendship become even stronger as they shared stories and smiles with each other. If someone gets some sort of food sickness from the food they consumed while in the same area as me, I was able to see them blindly ruin their next few days. I may not have been any important part of anyone's story around me. But I was there. Noticed or not. It makes me wonder, who is sitting in the corner witnessing the memories I will have years down the road. Did they experience laughter as they saw me struggle to carry all of my books in my two bags, or trip over my shoes or pants every few steps while watching a cute boy walk by? Did they feel my sorrow as my eyes spoke for my heart when I was walking through the store, searching for something to cure the pain. Who is around when I have my times of distress? What are they thinking? How will I impact them, and will I become part of their memories? Watching me, reminding them of what not to do in a situation.
What kind of impact do I have on those around me? Maybe by many they don't even see that I am there. Blocking everything out of view besides their text message from their newly discovered crush. Or the people who just see me as someone sitting at a chair, making a table full, and forcing them to look harder for somewhere to make themselves comfortable. Then there are the people, like me who observe those around them. What are the thinking of me? What story or background do they think I have? I could only hope for the best. I could only hope that my happiness radiates through my skin and that people can sense that I just want to have fun. I am going to walk a little taller, smile more often, and let my true self shine. Because I may be in someones greatest memory. I may be observed from someone struggling to find happiness. Someone may look at me and realize something in their life. So many details. And maybe this theory I have is just something that I have made up in my head. But as life moves on around me, I want to be remembered.

That phone friend!!

This is a blog post about my amazing friend Christine and how much I love and appreciate her. She is seriously the greatest friend I have ever, and will ever have. No matter what, and I mean it, she will be one phone call away. Ready to listen to me cry or laugh about anything. I can feel her love for everything through just one phone call and I can see her example to me in the words she chooses to use. This sweet girl has been there for me through all of my extreme highs, and extreme lows. AND has chosen to still be my friend after them all. If I ever needed any form of advice she is the first person I call (besides in some situations, my mom). I have grown to love this gal more that I have ever loved any other friend before. I love her with all of my heart and want only the best for her. I can not even begin to explain how much she means to me, and how much she has helped me grow the past 5 or 6 years.
I often find myself thinking about any sort of situation and think, what would Christine do? She is that great of an example to me. I know that she has a strong testimony of the church and she has really helped and encouraged me to strengthen mine. Christine is a wonderful mother to her darling children. She is giving them everything they need to grow up mature and confidant. She is teaching them the things they need to know when the go out into the real world, and how to really rely on Christ. She cares for her family more than anything else and that is so great to me. I honestly want to be a woman like her someday. I want to have her dedication to her husband, children, and God. I want to have her good qualities like being a kind and genuine person, thoughtful about others, truthful, clean in thought and words, and many many more things. She has really changed my life for the better and I will never be able to thank her enough for helping me open my eyes as an individual, spreading my wings to become successful, and loving those around me. Christine-Thank you for being you. I am eternally blessed to have you be such a big part of my life. It was honestly meant to be that I met you and I love you and always will love you, for you! Thank you for allowing me to confide in you often. Thank you for the advice that you give me. Thank you for understanding and loving me, for me. Thank you for everything you do for you sweet family, it sets such a great example to those around you. Thank you for everything. I love you and am so glad I know you. I plan on having you in my life, for the rest of... well, forever!

Families are Forever

Sometimes I find myself wondering what is going on. One minute my siblings and I are fighting like little kids and the next moment I realize we are all laughing and getting along.
I rather like the fact that sometimes we forget all of the drama, insecurities, and heartache and we can toss around a beach ball in the house and find it fun. We may have broken a whole light row, scared the neighbors with the screaming and laughing, dealt with a rolled ankle, and stepped on the dog a few times, but no matter what, for those short thirty minutes nothing else in the world mattered. We loved each other unconditionally and no judgement was happening. People really do come in and out of our lives. Some only stay for a few short days, some stay for weeks and months. Some years, but in the end most of them if not yourself, will find a reason to move on. I have the privilege of having at least 6 people in my life forever. These people, in the end are all that matter. It is hard for me to grasp that someone can love me so much, but so heart warming to know that they will always love me, no matter what.

My mother is the greatest example I have in my whole entire life. No matter what she will love me for me and not judge me one single bit. She has set such a great example to me and all of my other siblings. If I ever need anything, I just call her and she will be there in a second. We have had our ups and downs but overall, the older I get, the more I realize she has sacrificed her life so I can have mine. My mom will stand up for what she believes in, anytime of the day. She will dance down the grocery store isle with me, and sing opera loudly out of the rolled down windows in the car. My mother is a beautiful human being, inside and out.

My dad is one of the hardest workers I know. When it comes down to it, whatever he is doing.. he will do it good. The first time. My dad is talented in several ways. He can decorate anything like no ones business. He WILL help me pick out my wedding dress, and of course glam up my future wedding. My dad is more on the quiet side but the older I have gotten the more I have realized how strong of a testimony my dad really has and that he had a sincere love for his Father in Heaven. My father is a worthy guy, who is capable of giving me a blessing at any time of need. He has slaved away for my family and there is no possible way I can repay him.

Jairus, my brother who is currently 17 is the rock star of the world. He is one of the smartest kids I know. He speaks a few languages, flies through all of his AP classes, and doesn't even blink an eye when I call him for help with my college homework. My brother is also a gentleman who would never in a million years consider laying a hand on a woman. He will open doors for strangers, make a sad person laugh, and help the old lady with her groceries. Jairus is one of the cutest boys I know with kids. He will genuinely listen to their 15 minute long stories, read them the same book over and over again, and even let them play with his hair. All the cousins love cousin Jairus becuase he is so tender and gentle with the kids. I hope to marry someone who is like this someday!

Emily, where do I even begin? Emily is 16. Her and I have our history of not getting along. But after nights like tonight when we just sit and talk, and really get along.. it makes me realize how great of a person she is. No matter what, Emily will choose the right. What a great example that is to me! She will leave her friends if they are talking about doing something bad. She won't play a sport she loves becuase all of the girls are trashy and she doesn't want to be surrounded by them. She just has a love for our Heavenly Father that I can really see now. So young, but so much maturity in the things she says and does. She is very emotional, which I like to look at in a good way. Much like me. She loves children, will do anything for the people she loves, and likes to have a good time.

Alayna, 15 is something else. In many ways we are the most alike. We find ourselves saying the same things at the same time. Doing the same things the same way, and even looking alike. Alayna is a dedicated girl with so much talent. She will go far. If she wants something, she WILL get it. Nothing can stop that girl. I would like to challenge anyone who thinks they can win an argument against her. Alayna deep down loves her family. I just know it. Right now it is a little harder to see but she reminds me a lot of myself and I know she will come around. 

Jessica is 10 and is such a sweetheart. This girl has idolized me her whole life and I am not sure why I am just seeing it now. I completely lost my chance at leaving a good impression. This girl is a girl of my own heart. She will sing and dance with me, anytime...anywhere. She has got style and a sassy personality. I can't wait until she matures into a young woman because I know she will be strong in what she believes in and she will be an example to all of those around her. 

My family is just great. Of course we have our good and bad times... often it just feelings like bad times. But when we have nights like tonight, with laughter and love it just reminds me, families are forever. I am sealed to these special spirits and no matter what, they will be here me. 

I am so eternally grateful for the family I was blessed with and I can only hope that I can raise my kids the way my mom has taught us. I look up to every single person in my family and they each have changed me for the good. I love them all. I hope that I can live up to their expectations. I hope that they have the best lives. They deserve it. I hope that they can choose to come unto Christ when the times are tough and that they can follow the great example that my mom and dad has left. 

Safety of a childhood treehouse

Sometimes, when I am laying in bed I think about all of my adventures of the day.
Today, as I drove to Jackson from Rexburg I had the privilege of passing through Teton Valley. As I turned the corner right before Tetonia the reminiscing began. A date that I had gone on and had a blast ended at a restaurant on the left hand side of the worn black road. The school zone approached and I tapped my breaks to slow down.  I saw the church that we always met at for stake activities. I then passed the turn off that I used to take to go to watch my friends gallop on horses and hold on for dear life on a big angry bull. The rodeo was always something that made me smile.
A mile or two went by and cruise control was set to 62 MPH. Colors of the changing leaves went past me like a river of paint. Oranges and reds with the few greens and browns. The air was smokey and I could hardly see the outline of the beautiful mountains surrounding me. I passed by where one of my sweet friends is buried and I sped past the multicolored cows and grass eating horses. As I passed houses of friends and barns of acquaintances my teen years memories began to fill my head. I pulled into Driggs and had a story for every block. Lunch breaks with specific friends, early morning flag set up for remembrance of fallen soldiers, dances, break-ups, funerals, farmers markets, construction, pranks, and growth. I could spend hours telling someone the moments of sadness or joy I felt everywhere in the small town. Reminisce on friends made and love grown. My soul is filled with happiness when I drive through the valley. It feels safe. Like the childhood tree house or being in the arms of someone you love. This town, my home will continue to warm my chest every time I drive through. Sometimes, I roll down the windows and soak in the peaceful feeling and smell the fresh air.  Many souls touched my heart in this town. Several people changed me. For the good, and the bad. My first true love experience was in this place. Many of my greatest friends are from here, and my love for life really began to develop in this place I call "home". It has stolen my heart, I may never get to live there again, but I will always know that is where Kayla became Kayla. That town will always have a piece of my heart, and hopefully my spirit of happiness can be felt by those who are still located there.

Memories flood my brain, and the music fills my ears.

Sitting here, back to the seat, face towards a walkway where students walk back and forth. My feet are propped up on a chair. A zip lock bag contains nice and fresh baby carrots to the left of my computer. A book bag on each side of me. Pen and paper out and ready to study. 
I turned on my Pandora station and plugged in my headphones. I selected the William Joseph station which has a nice assortment of piano music that fills my ears and fades away the chatter and laughter of those around me. Then suddenly out of no where my heart stopped. A Jon Schmidt came on. 
Memories flooded my mind. Memories of laughter and tears.  Memories of exchanging secrets and comforting hugs. I closed my eyes just a second ago, fighting back the tears. When my eyelids squeezed together it was like I was in the piano room again, listening to my friend play. Sprawled out on the floor, doing homework and listening to her fingers majestically touch each note so softly, but so intensely goosebumps would often cover my body. Jon Schmidt will always have a special place in my heart. And even if every time I hear it, my stomach aches and my eyes began to speak for my emotion, and slowly let tears slip down my face. He will remind me that I had a great friend. We had fun times, and wonderful memories. Jon's music will remind me how life changes so quickly . Good or bad. The arrangement of his notes reminds me of the arrangement of life. Sometimes sounding so random but when all put together, sounding and making complete beautiful sense.

I love to see the temple!

That moment when you know what you are doing is exactly the thing you should be doing. 

 

Penny Candy

I was skimming over my blog,  remebering where I was when I was typing all of the different posts. 
So much sadness and hurt feelings. 
Life is about being happy. Like seeing a good friend for the first time in months. Or that feeling when you get after someone calls you beautiful. I should be focusing on the good in life.  Happy things I saw today that made my heart smile. There was a little boy at the gas station. He was reaching for the penny candies. He quiet possibly had the biggest smile on his face. He reached his hand out and had so much hope. Of course the story ends in him getting pulled away and a fussy toddler. But that second of pure joy that was shown through his eyes, that is what I need to focus on. That will help my attitude towards life. Maybe that way, I can spread happiness instead of bringing all around down!
Today I was able to go to my Teachings of the Living Prophets class and I am such a spiritual high. I learned of past prophets who have revelations from God concerning the people. Then I was able to attend devotional that my school puts on every Tuesday at 2pm. It was filled with spiritual insight and my soul delighted in the thought of living with my Father in Heaven again. At 5:30 I am going to go to the temple and spend some time their with my roommate. No better way to "Come Unto Him" than by performing sacred ordinances in his house. I get the goosebumps up my back when I think about going into the temple again. There is no better way to find happiness in my life than by filling it with the spirit and learning about the gospel.
I recently discovered a blog of a sweet lady named Stephanie Nielson. She is a burn survivor. She was in a plane crash with her sweet husband and they both survived. She has burns on 80% of her body. She is the most beautiful person that I have come to know. (I don't really know her, but I have read her blog for hours on end now)  She was put into a situation that anyone could have taken the results and made their life miserable and hard. She has done the complete opposite. She is raising a sweet family and is happier than ever. She as accepted what has come to happen and stands by God as he helps her conquer life, one day at a time. I can honestly say that my life has changed after I have learned and read her story. I am grateful for the life that I have, and I am grateful for people like her, who inspire me to be better. Daily. I find myself constantly reading her blog and thinking of her example to me. She has the power to change the people around her. She has hundreds of readers on her blog and she chooses to testify of the church and set that example for all of those who read. I want to strive everyday from now on to be a woman like her. 

 http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/ is her blog. If you ever feel so inspired to look at it and hear her story please do!

To people like Stephanie,
Thank you for showing your example to me and helping me realize that life can be made into whatever I make it. I can choose to focus on all of the negative and heart aches or I can focus on the smiles and joys of life. 
 

Reflection

As I left the house today, I saw my reflection in the window of my car. I saw a stranger looking back at me. A clown. Face powdered with detail. Browns and greens dusted on my eyelids. Eyelashes curled and smothered in black mascara and lips touched in pink. My hair was nicely combed back into a small pony tale with a headband adding more volume. My clothes hung nicely on my body. Necklace dangling without any care. Jeans grasping to my legs all the way down to my ankles and then folded up for a cute little stylish touch. Toes are covered in a grey pair of toms. I tried to ignore how uncomfortable I felt with myself. Trying to be someone else. But now, as I am sitting here in math class listening to the teacher talk about the complications of the week, I look down and see my perfectly painted nails and smell the girly lotion that I rubbed into my skin seconds before I walked out the door. Is this me? Kayla? Underneath the make-up and jewelry. Why am I like this today? What is this different feeling? Maybe my conscience has come to the conclusion that I am now again on the look for boys. 
Now I search around the room and see the competition. There is a girl wearing a sweatshirt and hair thrown back.  Those weird toes shoes and reading an animal rescue website. Another girl who has obvious self confidence. Bright pink lipstick and large jewelry pieces. A dress with cheetah print and an attitude that just stinks up the room. There are girls who have bows in their hair, girls talking about how this is their first semester and that they love that they can "do anything they want". Quiet girls who observe those around. Girls who I would love to take under my wing and teach them about tweezers. This campus is filled with girls. My goal is to overcome this feeling of a stranger looking back at me in the reflection. I need to find that happy medium between not feeling like a stranger dressed up and my self shining through. Its not about who I am impressing. But it should be who catches my eye. If someone could just takes the chance to get to know me, for me. I would be pleased. I don't know how the future is going to unfold. I don't know if the time spent putting powder on my face and painting my finger nails will be worth it. But something inside of me is afraid I can't be any less.

This town

This town. It's home. Or is it? 
As I am sitting here. Window open, listening to the beat of The Avett Brothers and the giggling of new freshman watching boys walk by, I wonder where do I belong? 
My room is crisp clean. Organized more than it will ever be again. Pants folded perfectly and shirts dangling above my fresh new toms that have never been worn. My bed is made with perfection. Pillows lined up and sheets straight. Mustache sign sits on the shelf looking down to the photo covered wall and neatly organized desk. My happiness calender is hanging with so little care. Tomorrow I am going to attempt to conquer campus. So much to do, and so many people in the way. Different buildings to explore, people to talk to, and things to buy. It will be a difficult process. Getting from one end of campus to the next. Swerving in between cute little families dropping their babies off for the next step in their life. 
These people, I don't know them. They don't know me. It feel so... refreshing. So new. But my heart and mind keep going back to how it used to be. 
Those people in my life made this town home. All day I have caught myself expecting the door to open and hear laughter from them. I keep expecting to get a phone call and head over to the other apartment. This town was home with them. Now, they are gone. and I am left here. 
It feel so cold. lonely, its rather loud and I feel lost. 
This town is mine. This town is home. I don't need them. They hurt me and didn't love me for me. I am going to make this town home. Without them.
 One baby step at a time. First the roommates. Get to know them, be friendly and understanding. Everyone has a past. If they were to judge me by just one conversation they would think I was a cold heartless person becuase all I could focus on was that they were not THEM. I am going to soak in Gods place. This is his town. His people. I am here, to be closer to him. One step at a time, and I can achieve this. I can achieve happiness. Let is all begin. Tomorrow morning when the sun rises and my eyes flutter open, I will be ready to take the first step. I have this. This is mine. 
 

wish

So badly I wish that life had a pause button. I wish that in one click I could keep my life in the happiness that it is in. But my heart is so ready to open the next chapter in my life. Sunshine and summertime have brought my some of my greatest memories. I met some of the most amazing people in my whole life. People who have changed me for the better. People who understand and love me for me. But what about all of those back in Rexburg. Those people who I met and connected with when I was weak and torn apart. Those people who where there to repair me when I was injured. And what about those who I will never see again that were met in rexburg. People really go in and out of our lives. But why can't they ones we want stay in forever? I wish that there was more time in the day. There are so many people that have places in my heart. So many people that I love with my being. And there is room for more. Plenty more. There is room for someone to adore me. Room for that someone who will love me forever, and not come in and out of my life. 
My best friend is in Utah. away. gone. starting a new chapter in her life. I am in Wyoming. Is it home? or am I going back home to Rexburg. Moving back for the third time. Going back to where I have a life. Where I know everyone and where everything is so different than it is now. 
It is like I have two worlds. Completely separated. This new world, with new people and a new and improved me. This new life where every single person I know helps me in some way. I am happy here. and always will be when I think back to it. 
But what about my other life. The life that I live it up. The life that I am friends with everyone and that I am outgoing and never giving up on anything. I can't put it into words. But these worlds, they are so far apart. But both me. 
I don't know what to think. My heart aches that this summer has come to an end. 
But my stomach cramps with excitement when I think about returning to the burg. Each life, and all of the people have a place in my heart. 
I just hate that they can't be combined. 
Oh wouldn't that be lovely? 
To have it all together? All one. My life and friends at school and my life and friends of this wonderful summer. My soul smiles at the thought of that. 
As I pack up my things, my emotions are distraught. My body doesn't know how to keep up. Excited? Sad? Hurt? Joyful? What is next. 

Life is moving on. My fingers shake from that sentence. My fifth semester is about to begin. My brain is going to be challenged again.  I am growing up. My body is aging. I am no longer a child. I am moving up in the world. I am expected to understand things. People look at me as an adult. I am scared. and I don't know what to think. 
Where am I going to be in a year, two, or five from now? Will I have completed school and earned a degree? Will I even be alive? Which home will I be living at? Who will be a prominent person in my life? Will I have a shattered heart or a heart full of love? 
A career? Home? Husband? Money? This life of mine. 
Where is it leading me. Where will I be? Who will I be? 
This life. So confusing. So amazing. So hopeful.
 

Bucket list for the Summer

Hike Table rock
Hike Snow King
Hot springs
Phelps lake
Mormon Row
Skinny Dip
Volunteer for some sort of program for locals. Most likely at the horse therapy riding place.
Loose 20 lbs.
Outdoor concert
Pack trip
Camping
Night Games
Wildflower hike
Date
Meet people from all 50 states (will be easily done at work)
Horse Ride
Bar-T5
Bar J
Photography
Garden

Dance with the sound of Life

I have heard from many that Jackson Hole is magical during the summertime. 

did I believe them? sure. 

did I understand them? nope. 

Here I am. 12:17pm. On a break from work and I can honestly not think of the last time I was truly this happy. I'm not happy for the family, or my friends, I'm not putting on a show or "faking it until making it"

I happy.

One simple word. Happy. 

It is blowing my mind. 

I was so unhappy and miserable just weeks ago. 

I cried myself to sleep almost every night. 

I got upset over things that were not worth getting upset over. 

And here I am.

A new person. 

New people in my life. 

New job. 

New ward. 

New life. 

phenomenal. 

I get up and go to work. 

Happily. 

I smile and laugh and dance and sing. 

on a regular basis again! 

I can't remember the last time I moped around. 

(okay that is partially a lie. The other night I saw that one of my friends was posting things on Facebook and she seemed happy[long long long long long story], I was tired and got a little emotional, BUT it was barely 30 minutes of sadness when I realized I had no reason to fret)

I have boys interested in me. 

I have friends left and right. 

I have a job. 

An awesome singles ward. 

I get to live with my amazing family. 

I'm making/saving money!

It is beginning to feel like summer time!

The Rodeo has begun! 

I have somewhat learned to balance my play time and my alone time without feeling like I need to have more of a social life, or less of one. 

I meet new people everyday. 

I learn something new everyday. 

AND I am really growing as a person. 

The list could go on for ages! 

I get to see and be with my friends everyday. 

If I am not with my friends that I work with I 

am with my friends at the Bar-T5. 

What a blessing to have so many great people in my life!

I am literally surrounded in people who appreciate 

the fun loving silly me!

I am being treated properly and I 

really feel like all of these people like me for... ME!

Not only are the people great here, but 

I am living in such a beautiful area!

Mountains everywhere. 

beautiful beautiful beautiful

Lakes within driving distance.

Hot springs. 

Animals. Baby moose, bears, birds, elk!

I mean honestly, this is a pretty sweet place to live!

I can hike, bike, swim, anything any day

The stars. 

That's a whole new story!

I can sit out and look at the stars for hours.

they are never ending. 

Like the Whipple freckles.

It is so peaceful. 

I often wonder, (I know this is so cheesy)

who is looking at the stars the same night as me. 

My mind can not even grasp things like that.

I have had so many perfect nights the last few weeks

sitting around a campfire. 

singing songs, talking, joking, laughing. 

Sitting under the blanket of stars. 

With people who are so great. 

I have never experienced anything so magical. 

I understand why Jackson is so magical. 

It is beautiful. 

The people I have met are amazing. 

and I am finding myself more and more everyday!

It is a feeling I can not explain. 

One that can only feel and understand by experiencing! 

oh, how lucky am I!

I will only be single once. 

I will only be this age one!

and I was taking advantage of that.

Not anymore. 

I wake up everyday and smile. 

I will not let these precious time slip through my fingers. 

I laugh at myself. 

There is no better time than to better myself and become a stronger person. 

I dance with the sound of life. 

I take every second in as if I will never be able to feel it again! 

Dreams

As I am laying here listening to Pandora, sweats on, hair pulled back and body curled up in a fluffy blanket my mind is just going wild.
I am nineteen years old. I have completed two years at byu-i. I pay for practically everything. I have a eight thousand dollar surgery almost payed off and I feel so grown up.
But today while I was doodling with chalk with some little kids, the sun beating down on our skin, birds singing freely, I realized... I am so young. I have not even been out of the womb for twenty years. I hopefully have only lived just one fifth of my life.
My mind is a so fresh. My body so young. How can I allow myself to let all of these days go by without living to the fullest.
It is not going to be forever that I am young like this. Single, and nothing holding me down or back from doing what I want. I am completely free and able to do what I desire.
As I was talking with a good friend of mine I had an epiphany. Why am I not doing what makes me happy? In school I was dancing and enjoying that time in my life. I was socializing and trying to be as happy as possible. But at the end of the week when I would sit down and breathe I often caught myself struggling to see how much I was having fun. Was I really enjoying myself or was I just putting on a show to convince myself that I was loving life.
After I graduated high school I considered a few options. One of them was going to beauty school. I got shot down by many of my extended family members and I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself then.
However, here I am.
19 and stronger than ever. I have never been able to stand up for myself this much before! I have never felt so free to do what I want to do, not what everyone else thinks I should do. I want to go to Paul Mitchell. I want to learn about hair, and make-up and all of that. Just because it is not graduate school, and I am not going to be making as much as a doctor does not mean it is not right!
The more and more I think about all of this, the more I get excited and ready to just jump on it!
I don't know where exactly I am going to attend cosmetology school. Idaho? Utah?
Not sure but I am getting the most amazing feeling that I should try out Boise, ID.
I was in Boise the beginning of this week and it was absolutely beautiful. My heart was warm the whole time I was there! I don't know why exactly but I just feel so comfortable there!
I am so young, I have so much living to do. So why not start now. Why not get up and out of my safety zone. Go meet new people, start fresh, learn something that I am so excited to learn about?!
I have plenty of researching to do before I make any decisions. But I feel someone at peace knowing that I am ready to move on. I am ready to do what I want, where I want and how I want.
This is big.
My young brain is growing and maturing.
I am ready to start life.

3rd wheel

As we speak I am being the third wheel. As of the past week I have been the third wheel. And my heart breaks and aches everytime I see them kiss, and hear them whisper cutely into each others ears. It's like I am invisible. My two best friends are falling in love with each other. Everyday I become the one slowly becoming left out. The one who is chosen second. I can literally feel my heart in my chest. Aching. Being miserable. Why did I let myself get so close to these people. These human beings, my best friends. Why did I let my heart open 100 percent to them and my body become so comforitable around them. Is this all just going to lead to me being crushed to thousands of peices like it has every other time I have let myself out. It's like I opened my heart an soul. And they fell for each other. Looking into each others eyes, every look forgetting me just a smidge more. Forgetting that there is this third person. This person with sensitive feelings. Fighting back the tears and biting my lip as I hear each one confide in me about how much they are falling for the other one. As I sit here and watch their hands clasp into each others, bodies pull closer, and faces get so close you can feel the emotions in the air, I realize I have never had someone who has treated me this way. I have never had someone want to be by my side all the time. Never had someone want to pull me in close and kiss my forehead just because. Someone who looks at me in the eyes with so much feeling. Will that day come for me? I will always be wondering. My eyes are shut so tight, believing that it's not possible. I am in this rut, this rut of unbelief . Is there someone out there who will look at me with their eyes speaking their heart. Will someone see me and fall in love with me, the Kayla that has a heart so big I will do anything for anyone. The Kayla that is fun to be around, and that has emotions like crazy.
Or is this all a fairytale? Was I raised with a fake idea engraved in my mind? Is love like that possible? Or is this all just a conspiracy. Am I blind to the real world and real life. Am I hoping for something that is impossible?
Or is it that two people meet and have things in common. So they persue that and convince themselves that they are meant to be together forever because they grew up thinking that this love was possible. I mean, does that make sense? Do we make up things in our mind, making ourselves think there is some sort of spark there? Or have I just never felt it to understand it?
It makes me wonder. There are millions of people on this planet. How are two people supposed to meet, have things in common, differences, be attracted to each other, and supposedly fall into this thing called love?
My mind is running thousands of miles. I am so curious as to weather or not I will fall into this "love" with anyone. Or if anyone is even fit to "love" me. Or better yet, am I fit to "love" someone else. How would it happen? Is this all just something I have built up in my mind, Will I be crushed and hurt when reality hits and these things are non exaistant.
So many questions. But yet no one to answer: only experience and life can teach me these things.
It's a matter of time, and patience. I need to remember. If this is all real, this true love and soul mates, my time will come. If this is not real, when and how will I be able to accept it.

This heart of mine

This heart of mine is never going to be the same. It has almost been six months since I had my heart shattered. To hundreds of small pieces that will hopefully one by one be able to find their way back.
I find myself, often thinking of where I would have been in my life today if things went as my "love story" would have went the way I planned in my head. thankfully I have met some great people these last few months that have helped me grow, I can't imagine my life without them. Good things do come out of bad experiences. Just not the things that I had planned. thanks to every love story out there all my mind thought should happen was that he would realize how much he missed me and he would come crawling back only for me to melt into his strong arms again.
Things remind me of him. Actions, and words. Even smells. They all soften my heart and the little girl inside of me comes out and wishes to go after him one last try. She wishes that in a blink of an eye all of her daydreams and wishes would come true. Like Cinderella or snow white.
I thought after I got hurt that my heart would move on.
I was wrong.
for a while I got sick with the thought of him. I didn't know if it was because I was angry or hurt or just moving on. But now I look back and I was not angry. I can't even imagine being a tiny bit angry at him. He was doing what his heart and head told him to do. I was hurt, but I wasn't moving on. Day by day I hoped that I would be able to meet someone and not compare the man I built up in my head.
I never would have imagine that here I am, six months later and my heart warms with the thought of him. He feels so right, but yet we are in complete different worlds.
There are other fish in the sea?
that doesn't mean anything to me! He is the fish that I loved. He is the fish that taught me to love and helped me become so much of who I am today. All of those other fish? They are just gray blobs swimming by. Not one has even caught my eye. They are not colorful and bright. These fish, they are not for me!
But one problem. Him and I, we are in different seas. Our paths are not going to cross. Our lives are not set up so that we can be with each other.
our oceans, they are different. and my mind just can't except that.
I am in love with him.
I am in love with the way he is.
I can't get him out of my mind.
but yet, he has not chosen to swim by me.
He has not contacted me and he made it very clear we will not be in the same ocean. If ever again. But why can't I believe that yet? Why does it feel so right, when he is not even here.
I hope with all of my heart I can move on.
I need closer. I need to see him again. I need to see him not choosing me. I need to see his arms wrapped around someone else. I need to see him and have him tell me it is never EVER going to work out.
that way, I can hopefully move on.
Without a doubt I will always love him and he will always be in my heart.
But I hope someday, I can meet someone who can fill my heart full so that I can love again. And be loved.
I hope someday I can swim across a fish who makes me happy, and help me realize how much I love this new fish more than the old. That he can prove to me how much better he is for me, and that someday, I can be with my fish forever.

oh how I have missed you

My dearest Blogger.
The time has been long since I last was one here.
School happened. And life. and anything and everything you can imagine.
My joy for blogging slowly slipped away, day by day I forgot how
therapeutic it is for me to write everything out.
There is no way that I will be able to talk about everything that has happened since the last time I posted, just because of the simple fact that it has been a few months and we all know how much can go on in just a few hours.
I can however sum it up.
Heart was broken.
met a guy.
dated.
stopped dating.
still talking.
work. (everyday, all day)
birthday.
school.
I am in rexburg now going to school.
best of all? The dancing has begun again. I have modern and Jazz Monday and Wednesday. Then I have world dance on Tuesday and Thursday. Friday is my day off as well as the weekend. But a good solid four days was a good way to start back up. oh how it is glorious. My body is getting back into shape and my skill level is growing. I love it. and everyone knows that.
without a doubt it helps me live my life. through and through.

autumn day.

my fingers are cold from keeping away from the keyboard for so long.
I have so much to say that I don't even know where to start.
so much nonsense in my head. take a look inside my brain and you
 will be confused and lost. spinning messy, disaster. no where to begin and
no where to end. stories from the past and worries for the future.
every path of thought leads to hours of confusion and discomfort.
I need peace in my mind. I need to think through every snarl and every hole.
feeling the wind in my face is often a good way to relief some of that discomfort.
feeling as though my trapped soul is being freed for a breath.
letting tears slip down my cheek and my feelings let loose for several minutes
is as though all the pain and fear doesn't matter. that it will all be okay and
I will be fine. But the moment I get that sick feeling inside my stomach again
I could only wish for tears for they release my sorrow.

filling my mind with the words of a great author used to numb me.
but after being shattered in many different ways, letting my eyes scan
the ivory colored pages with words up and down, I can no longer focus
on the story being put into my head. I can no longer go into fantasy land and
pretend that I am reading my own life.
Every word read comes with a chain reaction. once it has hit my eyes and processed into
my brain the only thing that I can focus on is how every thing reminds me of something else.
when the story unfolds the simplest things such as a beautiful autumn day.
my mind can only focus on the brown/red leaves that are floating down from their safety
to an unknown world below them and how the relates to the life that I am living.
finding comfort in something or someone and then suddenly after I have attached my self and grown it is time to change and I am let go, or blown away. Only to drift away alone to another unknown.
Then after I settle in the ground. feeling comfortable with my surroundings. the ants that use me as protection or the kids that use me for laughter. Then the first snow fall comes and I am suffocated. Everything changes and I am put under again.
The one sentence of a beautiful autumn day can leads to hours of thought .


Dancing is the only thing that has allowed me to heal and properly sort through everything.
the glorious times that the music is loud in my head and the movements are fresh on my body. I can see the clarity through anything. My breath is steady and hard. My heart pounds with excitement. my body flexes with the movements and my eyes sparkle with delight. somehow when I am moving across the floor and using every muscle in my body I can think about everything that is hurting me inside.
the moments that I am alone are especially good. When I don't have to do the choreography. when the movements come because my heart tells them to. When the movements are what my heart is feeling. the leap of faith into the air and the tumble to the ground after failure. Or the energy shooting through my arms as I toss my worries away. Even the simple flex of the foot showing that I don't agree with the idea. shooting it into the air then coming the a pointed toe showing my acceptance. For some reason dancing is my therapy. and I miss that. the last time I have danced like that was my last week at BYU-I. I was doing my final dances in my dance classes and I was dancing hours on end everyday.
Then I Winter semester came along and I wasn't able to dance because of the physical pain in my back. then my surgery was right after that and then recovery. Now here I am. Months later. Months without my healing movements and I am messed up in every way shape and form. I need a empty room.
with or without music. I need hours. I need sore feet and achy muscles. After even second of dancing I know that I will feel better then I have in months. there are no words that can explain how nice it will be.

writing is another form of venting for me.
but I am way beyond anything I can just type or write right now.
I can usually sit down and let me feelings flow through my fingertips.
letting everything out and sorting it as it comes. Every thing usually makes sense after that and I can move on with my day.
but I am so lost right now I don't know what to write.
I don't know how. or when.
I wish that I could just let it all out. but it would take hours and hours.
I have locked up my writing senses. It has taken me a long time to even post this.
my mind freezes at every new sentence. Being unable to open the chambers of my heart for fear of pain. this is all something that I have to overcome.
and I can.
and I will.
It is just going to take time.
and patience.
and some day. I am going to be able to say that I am as happy as I was before.