autumn day.

my fingers are cold from keeping away from the keyboard for so long.
I have so much to say that I don't even know where to start.
so much nonsense in my head. take a look inside my brain and you
 will be confused and lost. spinning messy, disaster. no where to begin and
no where to end. stories from the past and worries for the future.
every path of thought leads to hours of confusion and discomfort.
I need peace in my mind. I need to think through every snarl and every hole.
feeling the wind in my face is often a good way to relief some of that discomfort.
feeling as though my trapped soul is being freed for a breath.
letting tears slip down my cheek and my feelings let loose for several minutes
is as though all the pain and fear doesn't matter. that it will all be okay and
I will be fine. But the moment I get that sick feeling inside my stomach again
I could only wish for tears for they release my sorrow.

filling my mind with the words of a great author used to numb me.
but after being shattered in many different ways, letting my eyes scan
the ivory colored pages with words up and down, I can no longer focus
on the story being put into my head. I can no longer go into fantasy land and
pretend that I am reading my own life.
Every word read comes with a chain reaction. once it has hit my eyes and processed into
my brain the only thing that I can focus on is how every thing reminds me of something else.
when the story unfolds the simplest things such as a beautiful autumn day.
my mind can only focus on the brown/red leaves that are floating down from their safety
to an unknown world below them and how the relates to the life that I am living.
finding comfort in something or someone and then suddenly after I have attached my self and grown it is time to change and I am let go, or blown away. Only to drift away alone to another unknown.
Then after I settle in the ground. feeling comfortable with my surroundings. the ants that use me as protection or the kids that use me for laughter. Then the first snow fall comes and I am suffocated. Everything changes and I am put under again.
The one sentence of a beautiful autumn day can leads to hours of thought .


Dancing is the only thing that has allowed me to heal and properly sort through everything.
the glorious times that the music is loud in my head and the movements are fresh on my body. I can see the clarity through anything. My breath is steady and hard. My heart pounds with excitement. my body flexes with the movements and my eyes sparkle with delight. somehow when I am moving across the floor and using every muscle in my body I can think about everything that is hurting me inside.
the moments that I am alone are especially good. When I don't have to do the choreography. when the movements come because my heart tells them to. When the movements are what my heart is feeling. the leap of faith into the air and the tumble to the ground after failure. Or the energy shooting through my arms as I toss my worries away. Even the simple flex of the foot showing that I don't agree with the idea. shooting it into the air then coming the a pointed toe showing my acceptance. For some reason dancing is my therapy. and I miss that. the last time I have danced like that was my last week at BYU-I. I was doing my final dances in my dance classes and I was dancing hours on end everyday.
Then I Winter semester came along and I wasn't able to dance because of the physical pain in my back. then my surgery was right after that and then recovery. Now here I am. Months later. Months without my healing movements and I am messed up in every way shape and form. I need a empty room.
with or without music. I need hours. I need sore feet and achy muscles. After even second of dancing I know that I will feel better then I have in months. there are no words that can explain how nice it will be.

writing is another form of venting for me.
but I am way beyond anything I can just type or write right now.
I can usually sit down and let me feelings flow through my fingertips.
letting everything out and sorting it as it comes. Every thing usually makes sense after that and I can move on with my day.
but I am so lost right now I don't know what to write.
I don't know how. or when.
I wish that I could just let it all out. but it would take hours and hours.
I have locked up my writing senses. It has taken me a long time to even post this.
my mind freezes at every new sentence. Being unable to open the chambers of my heart for fear of pain. this is all something that I have to overcome.
and I can.
and I will.
It is just going to take time.
and patience.
and some day. I am going to be able to say that I am as happy as I was before.